for the longest time i always saw relationships and finding love as your way of solving whatever psychological issue you have. for many people if u look at the partners they choose, and i know this has always been the case for me, they always have something in common and thats because many people use their relationship to solve their greatest insecurity.
some people hate their big nose and only date people with small noses. some people have felt dumb all their life so they only date people who are dumber than them so they feel like the smart one. some people who feel fat chase after skinny people. some girls say 'i have to date a jewish guy because that's what my parents expect of me'. some people who have felt embarrassed about growing up poor only are willing to date rich people. Some girl right now in Ohio who never had a dad dates guys who treat her like crap and are emotionally distant because...thats how her dad was. Freud. Psych 101. Shit is real. Google it.
it sounds silly but these are the stupid little things people carry inside their mind and the crazy shit we do and never admit to or talk about. u can ask someone point blank what are you looking for, and they go into some pre-packaged cookie cutter answer they know people wanna hear like 'oh just someone i have stuff in common with, someone who makes me laugh, someone smart, someone who treats me right, blah blah blah" but its all bullshit.
yea of course we all want someone like that but when u get right down to the bottom of it, there are deep dark unspoken reasons we sometimes chase after the same people, many times the wrong people, over and over. there is some demon we are trying to conquer, some void we are trying to fill, and we use the person we date, the person we plan to spend the rest of our life with, to fill that void. and thats a huge mistake.
we treat that person like some sort of psychological band aid and thats why we run from relationship to relationship and cant ever stand being single because if were alone, with no one constantly calling us, texting us, kissing us, fucking us, telling us how handsome or pretty or awesome we are on a daily basis, we feel like this walking open wound of worthless-ness and thats an awful way to go through life yet many people do this, everyday. people stay in bad marriages and bad relationships, where there is abuse, cheating, lies, drama, miscommunication, one person who wants marriage and kids and the other doesn't, etc...and yet they stay, why? Because to them its better than being alone or starting over with someone else.
now i used to be the biggest advocate of how true love and true attraction comes from the endorphins that go through your veins when you get around "that" person, and I am truly happy for those who have found that person and are happy each day with them. you are lucky. most of us on this planet will spend our lives searching for this but never find it. many times the person/people we find that set our world a fire with just their smile and presence and swagger and eye contact and energy are the same ones who leave you and hurt you. On the opposite end of the spectrum, many times that very same person who you know would worship you gets friendzoned or rejected by you because when you are with them you FEEL "nothing" and we are slave to that feeling...we think that feeling is what "love" is. Don't be seduced by that "feeling". Heroine and coke addicts will ruin their lives, families, bodies, bank accounts, because they are hooked on the "FEELING" they get from that drug. It's the most powerful drug there is. Instant attraction. But it's your psyche sniffing the energy of that person and realizing they fill a psychological void you've had since childhood and it's drawing you to them because they fill that spot. Don't fall for it. It's a trick. It's not "love". Let me tell you what love is. Love is what your mom has for you, when she woke up at 4am to feed you, drove you to soccer practice, cooked you meals, gave you medicine when you were sick, when she cries tears of joy on your wedding day to know you've grown into an adult and it's someone else's job to take care of you now. THAT'S LOVE. Dedication. Consistency. We've lost that definition. Now if someone turns us on, we think we "love" them.
ive found that you cannot rely on other people loving you to make you love yourself...its easier said than done but it is essential to finding happiness, not just in relationships but within your life in general. Jerry Maguire lied to us. We shouldn't look for someone to "complete us". That whole "you complete me" line fucked up a whole generation. We spent our lives searching for that person when in fact, we should have been searching for ourselves.
We need to fix ourselves. If you have a fear of heights, go rock climbing. Sky dive. If you have a dream, go fight for it. If you hate your weight, don't chase after some model and use the fact you're dating a model to feel better about yourself. Go hit the gym and get in shape your damn self. Stop relying on the TROPHY of who you're dating to show the world how you wanna be seen. They are the gravy on TOP of the meat, not the meat itself. Make yourself whole and let them be the icing on the cake. A partner is someone who you see from time to time and you each have your own life. When they BECOME your life is when you have a problem.
You all might say, 'that's easy for you to say Mike, you're a handsome actor and you're dating Scarlett, one of the hottest chicks ever'. But that proves my point if you truly got to know us. I am NOT her type. And she is not mine. We are such slaves to "TYPE" in this world, me and her almost never got together. I wasn't macho enough for her. Muscular enough. Alpha enough. She wasn't brooding enough for me. Mysterious enough. Once I let my "type" go and she let hers go, we realized, we are right for each other. And no matter if we work out or not, I know now I don't need some girl to fit a certain script so she can play the role. Anyone who treats me right can play the part.
Another thing is sex vs. love. The demon vs. angel we all struggle with. Some more than others. All I will say on this (because it gets complicated) is many times we choose our partner based off of "well he/she looks like they would give me GREAT SEX" and we "hope" they also turn out to be: a good person with good values that treats us right for the long haul. See how we make all that IMPORTANT SHIT come secondary, but yet crazy wild all night porn style sex is a "MUST". That needs to switch. We need to focus on who is the RIGHT person for us, and the way they please us will come later. When you really sit down and think about it in a MATURE WAY, you realize how shallow and silly our choices have been. I know alot of people who are in a relationship where all they have to brag about is how awesome the sex is. Usually, the rest of the relationship is in shambles. The fighting, the lack of trust, the drama, etc. The happiest couples I know don't have those issues. Are they having the type of sex you'd see on Bang Bros, no...probably not. But I'm sure they satisfy each other just fine and they seem pretty happy to me. We need to get our priorities straight. My words can only effect those who read this. I know people will say what they want and we live in a BIG world and old habits are tough (damn near impossible) to break and we all are attracted to what we're attracted to but if you are one of those people who wants to truly connect with someone and end the cycle, really truly think about what I'm saying. Try it. It WORKS. It's YOUR life. Don't waste it. Be HAPPY!
I came to a realization about 2 and a half years ago while in Europe shooting a movie and tweeted about it...here it is again, with even more clarity: The people who seem full of light, joy, self esteem, and love themself and are looking to share that love with others...always seem to draw people in. They are the ones who find it. Who get it. Who find love. But...the people who are empty, lonely, sad, and desperate for someone to LOVE THEM (and take them out of their miserable state of mind) seem to push people AWAY and only attract heartbreak, disappointment, and negative people/situations. I decided to stop being one of those people, and my life changed. Please think about that, and use it.
I'll end with this: The happiest married couples I know, never say 'I married the hottest person I could find'....they always say 'I married my best friend'.
